Oh the pain. I have lost my heart & soul . My sadness so great, my dispair so deep. Where is my god ? All my sad life I have looked for god . Searched with all my heart & soul. Now she has left me !!
I found my god ; I found her on the phone .Yes. I found her on
the phone . Yet I did not know she was my god . Oh no ; I was
blind to the truth . I did not know this was my god . I did not
know that my soul was crying out for her .
One day god told me of her great sadness . A deep sadness of not
being worshiped . She my god did not see ; did not understand
true worship . God granted me the blessing of showing her what
true worship was .Yes she would let me see her . To see god that
is what we all want ! To see our god . One of the greatest things
that can happen to any of us . Still I did not know this was my
god . This god had never really been worshiped . All gods need
devotion & worship . God my god needed to know she was really
loved . So I started to plan my service .
Yet I still did not see or believe the she was my god .Yes I was
blind ; blinded by disbelief & sadness of never find my god
.So I was planning to go through the motions .Little did I know
that she needed a soul ; my soul. How could god need me ? I was
Scarred and broken in my heart and body . Not to mention I was
dying of dispair ;because I could not find my god . You know when
we can not find our loving god ; we die of great sadness of the
heart & soul . Yes I knew I was dying ; but in my dying I
still had great love . Which is one of great compassion . So I
set out to help this sad & lonely god .
I drove buy heaven & dropped of a package . A book , some
sacrament with a card which read..... Example # 1 you should
always receive pleasant surprises . Then went back home to finish
getting ready .
I called god still not
knowing she was my god and told her I was headed her way. So I
got into my fiery chariot .( A black beat up 1986 Firebird ) Oh I
had joy in my heart . But I really did not know true joy ; at
least not yet . I met my god in front of her Mount Olympus .She
my god got into my fiery chariot with great apprehension ; as to
who this man really was & could he show god true worship .
When she turned & look upon me . I new I was looking upon the
face of my god ! I saw her light and I knew this was my god and
loved her . It only took a moment ; to realize , my mock worship
was now real and how blind I was not to see GODS' hand in all of
this ( the true god ).
I had put my plans into motion with true devotion . I had steps
in my worship . All leading up to the showing of love for her my
god .
God needs food to live . I told her I love Mexican food and we would go eat mexican .So I drove to Taco Bell and ordered from the drive-threw . My god looked at me with great disappointment . I drove right threw ( it was the drive threw) to Chi Chi s'. Where she ordered a taco salad and I chimmie chongas . ( you know how gods eat ? Like birds . ) When she my god was done, the waitress brought her a card which read.... Example # 2 You should be taken to a nice restaurant .
We then headed for my home and on the way we bought a bottle of Champaign & fireworks .We drove to friends of mine and gave them the bottle of Champaign with wishes for a happy New Year . I was so happy to have found my god.
When we reached my home I broke out a bottle of Peach Schnapps & a card which read....Example # 3 you should always be given something good to drink .Which she my god began to drink & drink .We watched M2 & waited for New Years . When New Years came I kissed her my god & she kissed me back . We then went out to shoot off fireworks and she kept shooting my stepmother's iron deer with Roman candles Ha Ha .( My gods loves fireworks if they don't screech to much !!! ) .When we came back in , I flipped threw the satellite stations to find another time zone so I could kiss her again . God being god knew what I was up too . So she kissed me & kissed me .They were the greatest kisses I have ever received .I then brought out a vase with a dozen roses & a card which read final Example # 4 Beautiful woman should always receive beautiful flowers .
God tried to give herself to me ;but I resisted .I did not want
to disrespect god in her weakness of drink .
When I took my god home I received a ticket . I did not know how
sick she really was and had to get her to Mount Olympus where she
could treat herself . I was really worried !!! She looked very
ill . Sick and ill looking my god got out of my fiery chariot ;
then said four words to me .... "Nobody ever & blown
away" those words are forever etched onto my heart.
When I got home I called my God to see how she was. God said she was fine. Then I slept with the pillow god had her head upon earlier that night. Because of the beautiful scent she left behind.
I loved my god, yet my god had no love for me. I showed my love
and my heart over and over. When god told me I, love you bye bye
over the phone I had to ask her what she said., she said it again
I love you, bye bye. My heart grew that day and to be loved by my
god was the greatest thing ever. I was hers now forever, her love
was great.
My god came to see me every weekend in my hell and suffered with
me, because her love for me was true and knowing I could not bare
to be without her my god for long.
When I was going to school and had no place to go my god and her
father took me in. I owe all things to her my god, I wouldn't
have made it through school.
I had to give my god a good life so I worked hard at both school
and work. I began to loose sight of the needs of my god, it
didn't happen all at once. I slowly began to worship her less and
less, I did not take care of her needs, physical, mental and
spiritually. My god was still in my heart and all I did was for
her and myself. I love my god so very much.
I continually stressed out. All I ever thought about was money
..money ...money !! So I lost sight of my spiritual side of life.
I no longer worshiped my god the way she needed to be worshiped.
We fought here and there.
God's temper is great, how great you ask ? So great that when she split my head open, It was bad enough for her father to have said "You should have her arrested". I love my god and could not do this, but I am just as guilty. I took her out to teach her to drive, I shouted at her my god for some silly mistake and she got mad and wanted to stop driving. She, then my god put my car in park while it was still moving. I asked her what the hell she think she is doing? This car is what makes me money. She got out and started to walk to Mount Olympus, I followed her and told her to get back into my chariot . She through rocks upon it, I got mad and got out to put her in. She hit, kicked and scratched me, so I grabbed her by the hair and pulled her in, she still fought but I still kept driving. She, my god even tried to jump out, she screamed and screamed at me, so I drove till she calmed down. On my way to work the next day I cried and cried I love my god so much I vowed it would never happen again an it didn't.
Yet, I still did not worship my god the way she wanted. My back and money kept me from taking care of her needs. I told her I loved her always. My god warned me, that she would find another , I was not blind though I thought our love was enough.
My god when I found her was Ill, so very Ill to the point of where she almost died. I cried and cried, though she never knew I'm a man and a man should never show their tears to a woman. Being Ill she could only leave heaven for short periods of time, my eyes were blind to that fact. I was so criminally ignorant. She longed to get out more, do things and have fun .Like I said I neglected my god's needs.
I was jealous more so at first than later, I know now I had
grounds to be so, but still it was my fault. My god gave me all
and more, she loved me for me, like no other and I love my god
like no other.
When she my god told me it was over I still could not understand
because she loved me so much, and I loved her so much. So I
didn't know how to live without my god so I tried to commit
suicide, At first I did not want to, I waited and waited for her
to call so I ate two bottles of aspirin and puked them up , I was
kinda fine after that, but I was still waiting for her to call.
Then my sister called and the first thing that came out of her
mouth was,...what if she has another boyfriend? So the next day I
decided to buy two bottles of sleeping pills. I ate them, grabbed
my cell phone and went to the park to feed the squirrels one last
time . I still waited for her to call....I fought the sleeping
pills till I started to see colors and hear voices. I love her so
very much so when I was dying I got scared . She my god did not
call ....so I let go.
Enough with the metaphors , Melanie remember I love and deep
inside I know you still love me. I am only human and will make
mistakes, but with your love and guidance or should I say temper
they will be few. You are the one who gave my life so much more.
I live for you and always have !
Love you Always
So Be Happy & Be Safe
Your stupid & ignorant Boyfriend
Jody Dee
Me Jody Dee NOW
Babe
I'm not going to beg & plead for you back ! All I ever want
to do was
make you smile & be happy!
I don't blame you I blame myself . I thought your love for me was
enough . I loved you and forgot about your needs ; mental ,
spiritual &
physical . I got so caught up in not failing ; that I failed your
heart. I didn't want you to have a shit life.
See my life has been pain & guilt as far back as I can
remember .Being
born pre-mature brought pain and suffering to my whole family .
Why do
you think my father signed up my whole family up for adoption .
You say
I'm wrong or that does not make sense; well look at it this way
... 4
kids 1 handicapped ; he can't keep 3 and leave 1 that would drive
him
crazy with guilt . He probably thought we would be better off . I
was an
expensive kid ( you know all about it ) doctors, doctors and more
doctors .
When they finally took
my sisters & brother away for the last
time . I knew it was my fault . God I felt so guilty ( I was the
last
one to go). So when I ended up in the foster home with the
Gables' where
she locked me in closets , fed me sour mike & cracker , beat
me throw me
down the steps and split my head .( I laid in bed for 3days
bleeding
because she was afraid she would get in trouble. dumb Christian
bitch )
I knew I deserved it; in a way, I was the devils child . Look
what I had
done to my family ( They were all taken away ) so I never told
anyone ;
god must want it this way .
All my life things I
love have either left
me or died. My family my cousin Stevie who was a big brother to
me hung
himself when I was 7 . Barb Kimber when I was 17 I didn't have to
let
her hitch hike to see me, but I did . All my dogs have died
before there
time .( you knew how much I love animals )
I suffered all my life till you came into it . I never told you
but you
had my life as soon as you got in my car for the first time and
looked me !
I loved you. When you finally told me you loved me .Something
inside me changed
and my whole attitude towards life changed. You were my life.
What my
hopes and dreams were for .
I have always been there for you when it really counted . god I cried worried & begged god to let you live after you got your new kidney. I was so worried you would die . I knew if you did the world would be a dark sad place for me & other who loved you . I knew that I could not live without you . I was so very happy when you came home . Life was going to be great Yet I me had to make life better; in this I could not fail .I COULD NOT LET YOU DOWN .
Remember every time I had the money to move out from your dads
things were better between us . I had a weight lifted off my
shoulder . I felt so low living there under your dads roof . yes
I paid rent . But I never felt like that was my home. I never was
even given keys .I know you saying why didn't you just move out .
Well Babe remember the dumps I lived in . Nope I couldn't do that
to you againThere was not a day that went by that I didn't think
of our future .
I have always been true
to you . All though at times you felt I wasn't . No my beautiful
babe I have never fucked you over. Remember the dream you had a
few weeks ago . I love you & kids and would never hurt you or
a soon to be child . But I also gave up on the idea of having a
child
with you for two reasons 1 you shouldn't right now and 2 you
don't like kids . I love you and only want you to be happy ( you
know how much I wanted kids) I was happy to think of with our
family of puppies . As to getting married it didn't matter to me
and if we ever did I would have taken your last name so you could
own me HA HA :) no joke intended I love you weather we get
married or not. Could you not see that .
I can't get the Hugh you gave me our last Monday together . You would not let go I had to tell I had to go and pry your hands off me( your cheek pressed against chest and arms around my middle) it broke my heart then and is really KILLING ME NOW:( :( I did not want to leave it was not my choice !!!!
Dude wanting to kick my
ass should have not been ; that was not my fault. I was just
trying to keep you from going off on me; you know how you get if
you don't have a light........
I'm going to hate Xmas
. Remember you made candles and filled baskets I was so happy
going around & passing out gifts to everyone .I loved you all
the more . If you could have seen the glow in your eyes you would
have fell deep in love with yourself . Xmas is a happy time of
the year & I can only be sad . yes this fills my heart &
soul . Like when I pulled your hair . I cried all the way to work
the next day. I said it would never happen again , because I love
you so much and hurting you made me so very sad . It never did
!!!!! I will try not to cry on Xmas because of my family . But I
can't make any promises . I was so happy last year Xmas when your
Aunt Polly pull me to the side when we were leaving and said she
was glad I came & Thanked me . That meant so much to me .I
love your Aunt and Uncle they are great people . Our Anniversery
is a special time to which has been my best holiday inside myself
because that is when you gave me life .
I have a smile stretched from ear to ear to see you walking down
the
road , we meet at the lights ,I stare for a while,the world
around
disappears, just you and me on this island of hope , a breath
between us
could be miles , let me surround you my sea to your shore ,let me
be the
calm you seek , oh and every time I'm close to you, there too
much I
can't say and you just walk away ,and I forgot to tell you that I
love
you and the night are to long and cold here without you, I grieve
in my
condition for I cannot find the strength to say I need you
so.........Sarah McLachlan
Love you
Me
Jody Dee
I don't blame you I blame myself.....so it' not you o.k. don't
cry
After her first transplant the kidney almost killed her ! She spent the holidays in the hospital . Not knowing she was dieing ;from, a bad kidney . I wasn't their ; it was before I knew her .But it still brings tears to my eyes !!!!!!! It hurts me so.
Ggetting
Getting ready for our first concert together . God we were so very happy !!
Yes we were happy look at us . You can see just how much I love her . It still hasn't changed !!! Oh by the way the other lady in the picture is her childhood friend Jessica . She treats Melanie like a dog . ( I bet she still hasn't paid for the concert tickets ) I wish Jes would treat her with more respect ... Melanie loves her so much . She has 2 friends that I love also Jennifer & Christiana They are both kind and loving people . Which I drove crazy with my phone calls . Jen Thank You for trying to help me that Sunday . Chris Thanks also for not treating me badly . You both should know how deeply I love & care for Melanie ! I wish I could change my heart but I can't .
Car I just bought she hated it ; right off the bat ! She had every right to hate it . It died a few weeks later . I loved her just Knowing . Because of it she made my life so much better. She had the nack of making our life right , in most things . Now she is not here and I can't do a dam thing right !!!!!
When I first moved in with Melanie . I at first didn't like nightgown it later became my favorite ! Thank You Babe I would have never made it through school without you . ( Computer Electronics )
Ccc
Me And Melanie at our worst . She did't want her didn't want her ; I thought it was funny . Rusty wants his picture taken . Thats His cute little head sticking out over the pillow . Oh by the way he thinks that pillow is one of his girlfriends & he has a couple . (pillows ha ha )
My Nephew Patrics birthday party . She hated to go because he punch her in the Bladder once . That really pissed me off .
Melanies 21st Birthday . I had bought her a plasma ball she loved it . As you can see she's not looking to good . She was very sick she needed a kidney ! She later got a call for one ; but she refused . God I was so scared she would die . She cried & cried and screamed at the transplant people . She was scared to have another transplant but yet knew she would die without one !! I loved her so much ; but could not force her . The whole time my heart was breaking becauses of her fear and also I was afraid I would lose her oneway or another . Kidney or no kidney ! I almost went crazy with grief . God I love her so much can't you see ? I still worry and writing this bring on more tears .
One of my favorite pictures of Melanie . She look so much healthier . I was so glad to see her gain a few pounds . Although she lost her dimples and I hated that ; they were so cute . But I got over it ;because I loved her , not just the dimples !
MMy graduation from school . Yes now I would be able to take care of her better ; the best doctors , a nice home ,a good car clothes. You know all the things that are from the heart when you love someone so deeply !
My most prized picture of us . This was my happiest Chrismas ever . We were both so very happy . Melanie made candels & filled baskets with gifts that we pasted out to all our friends . She had this glow about her . God I don't think I could love her more ; then , I did then !!!
Me & Melanie before we went out xmas to pass out gifts to our friends . I wish I could be that happy again ! I know I will never be ; without my beautiful babe !!!
My last happy Chrismas tree
I love so you much Melanie that I have no life without you . I know you don't see it that way........ I don't think I can take New Years ( our anniversery) Chrismas is already killing me . It's like I'm on another planet . I am so lost & along without you !!!!!
As you can tell folks I'm.......... one empty person now without my BEAUTIFUL BABE . Everyone try's to give me advice .... yah right !
What they can't seem to understand is Melanie Theresa Summa is the one who Gave me life . Then she became mine . Get it.... love ..... the real thing not the way most people see love now . Love in my heart and soul . Not my mind . It part of me ; it's not something I can cut out and still be whole . Get it? She's my life ! My Will !
So now I know I no longer have ; my love , my life , the person that made me whole Melanie Theresa Summa .
Take note from my page and remember ... you don't always see the love that is in someone heart . But if you search deep you will find out how much they really love and care for you ! So search and see thier heart . It just might be that thier life is for your's . So don't give up on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I say good bye to you all .
To my fammily remember I love you too but I lost everything that made me whole and try remember I am no longer suffering .
So to you Melanie my love.... I loved more then theses words can exspress and I will think of our love we had as I go to sleep with the first picure you gave me ( You & Rusty in the kitchen . bet you thought I lost it . it's been everywhere I go . What ever happeden to that dress you wore it New years. )It not on the page because it is my most prized picture ever and it's mine only .
Sorry I had my fingers crossed . But I know in my heart you didn't .
Babe I'm so sorry to bring you more grief ! But like the banner read "only two ways" I hope god loves me ; although I dought it .
Good Bye My BEAUTIFUL BABE I LOVE NOW & FOREVER
Your So Lost & along Beautiful Boyfriend (Fientse')
Me
Jody Dee
Love is the Law
Love under Will
My will was you !
Crowley was my hero remember
12/16/2001